AN EXTRACT FROM CHAPTER SIX OF ‘HARD TO CHOOS’ BY PIXIE PIRELLI (Charlotte and her friend Alex Thornton go shopping for a birthday present for Alex’s girlfriend, Thea.)
Alex was standing outside Coco de Mer admiring the window display. ‘Well,’ he said as Charlotte drew alongside him. ‘You are full of surprises. Fancy little Charlotte Cholewczyk who I used to know in bobby socks and pigtails developing a penchant for fetishism.’ ‘Who said anything about fetishism?’ said Charlotte. ‘This place caters for all tastes. There’s plenty of normal stuff in here, too.’ The first thing that confronted them when they went into the shop was the rear view of a statue of a naked woman bending over.
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'Dead normal,’ said Alex. ‘My gran has a load of those in her garden since she got rid of her gnomes. Wow. This place is an Aladdin’s cave. I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.’ ‘Stop ogling, Alex. This is serious business we’re here on.’ ‘Serious?’ Alex was examining a wisp of chiffon. ‘How can you take clothing like this seriously?’ ‘Buying presents for a girlfriend is as serious as it gets, Thornton, believe me. I once ditched a boyfriend on account of the present he bought me.’ ‘What was it?’ ‘A pair of oven gloves.’ ‘Maybe it was a coded message. Maybe he was trying to tell you how hot you were.’ ‘I’ve no truck with that kind of symbolism. It’s too subtle for me. Now. What’s first on your shopping list?’ ‘How about this?’ Alex unhooked a baby blue bra from a hanger. Its scalloped cups were trimmed with layers and layers of ruffled lace, and there were ruffled panties to match. ‘Hm,’ said Charlotte. ‘What size is she?’ Alex looked down at Charlotte’s chest. ‘I reckon she’d be about the same size as you. I’d be able to hazard a more accurate guess if I had a feel.’ ‘Nice try, but no cigar. Now. The disadvantage of bras like this is that while they are virtual works of art, they’re impractical.’ ‘Why?’
‘A gal can’t wear them under anything close-fitting. They spoil the line. Imagine those ruffly cups covered by a layer of fine cashmere. Picture those panties under a tight stretch cotton skirt.’ Alex made a kind of groaning noise. ‘Do I have to?’ ‘Yes. There’s no way that can work, Alex. Bra and panty sets like this are designed to be worshiped. The only possible thing you could team them with is something like this.’ Charlotte held aloft a wafty baby doll nightie, trimmed with marabou feather. And if you’re to complete the look, you’ll need heels. Like these. What size is she?’ ‘Um. About the same size as you?’ Charlotte kicked off the high-heeled sling-back she was wearing, and slid her right foot into a satin mule that boasted a marabou pompom. She looked down at her foot and arched the sole prettily. ‘Oh, these are adorable!’ she said. ‘They’re so Marilyn.’ ‘Who’s Marilyn?’ ‘Monroe, moron. Think of her in The Seven Year Itch.’ ‘Is that the one where her skirts blew up?’ ‘Go to the top of the class.’ Charlotte reassumed her sling-back and moved to a shelf that was stacked with books. ‘Now,’ she said in her best no-nonsense voice. ‘To continue. What about some bedtime reading? I’m not talking Winnie the Pooh.’ ‘This looks good.’ Alex helped himself to The Encyclopaedia Anatomica, and started flicking through the pages. ‘Alex, is this present for you or for Thea? She’s not going to want to read that kind of stuff. Anaïs Nin is more her style. Or this.’ Charlotte helped herself to a copy of The Story of O. ‘OK,’ said Alex. ‘Should I get the sequel, too?’ ‘The answer to that is a categorical “no”. The sequel isn’t half as good as the original.’ ‘You’ve read them both?’ ‘Of course,’ she said with hauteur. ‘Hm. This could be helpful.’ Charlotte took down a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus – How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure. ‘I’m not going to waste good money on that,’ said Alex. ‘Look on it as an investment in your relationship.’ ‘Luckily for Thea,’ said Alex, ‘it’s an investment I don’t need.’ Charlotte didn’t say anything. Instead, she moved on to the next shop unit. The item on display here was a black leather chastity belt, with suspenders attached to black rubber stockings. Alex gave her a look of enquiry. ‘Definitely not,’ she said. He redirected his gaze to a full-faced black leather mask with a hole for the mouth, then gave her an even more eloquent look of enquiry. ‘Definitely not.’ ‘How about this?’ He asked, picking up a blindfold. It was fashioned from soft gold leather, and boasted plaited silken ties with gold leather tassels. ‘Hm.’ Charlotte took the blindfold from him and examined it. ‘It’s rather pretty. A definite possibility.’
Next up was a carved wooden device with feathers attached. ‘I guess when Ken Dodd brandished his tickling stick he didn’t quite have this in mind,’ remarked Alex. ‘I guess not.’ ‘What do you think?’ ‘Could provide hours of entertainment.’ ‘I’ll take two. What about whips?’ ‘Not the leather one. The horsehair might be worth a try.’ They’d reached a glass display case. ‘Handcuffs?’ ‘Definitely. Those silver ones are very classy.’ ‘Anything else you see in there that I could add to my shopping trolley?’ ‘Oh, yes! Aren’t they pretty!’ ‘Purple, black or pink?’ ‘The pink one.’ ‘Whyso?’ ‘It has the most beautiful shape.’ ‘Remind you of anyone?’ ‘Not telling.’ They studied the item in silence for a couple of moments, and then Alex said: ‘Are we done?’ Charlotte did some mental arithmetic. She calculated that Alex had spent more than enough on that undeserving cow Thea. ‘We’re done,’ she said. ‘Thank God for that.’ ‘Was it such torment?’ ‘No. It was a pretty damn fine experience, and many thanks are due to you, Ms Cholewczyk, for your expert guidance. You may have noticed, however, that this shop is staffed exclusively by members of the unfairly fair sex, and the reasons for that are pretty plain.’ ‘They are?’ ‘There are too many distractions for a male employee. It would be like hooking him up to intravenous Viagra. I’ve been nursing an erection for quite some time now, and I’d rather like to get out of here.’ ‘Thank-you for sharing that with me, Alex.’ She didn’t – wouldn’t – look down. Instead she marched ahead of him with an uninterested expression firmly stapled to her face. Their progress towards the till was held up when they came face to face with a display case which contained a ceramic object that resembled an outsize baby’s dummy. It had a fluffy pink tail attached. Alex and Charlotte looked at each other, then looked back at the offending item. ‘Definitely not,’ they said in unison, before cracking up. Charlotte had a sudden graphic image of Thea capering round a bedroom with a furry tail sticking out from under her baby-blue baby-doll, and it was so un-Thea that she found herself on the verge of snorting with laughter. But then she reminded herself of what she’d once told Alex – that girls who buy pink handbags never snort – and she desisted. As the girl behind the cash register wrapped each individual item in tissue paper, Alex became utterly engrossed in How to Make Love like a Porn Star. The girl slid a sideways glance at him as she detached the price tag from the pretty pink item, and then she looked at Charlotte, and smiled. ‘You’re a very lucky girl,’ she said in a low voice.
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